adventuresinspace

crawling into the black hole

i'm going through something, but i'm not sure what it is.

i broke up with joseph two weeks ago.  i couldn't take the fake shallow conversations anymore, i couldn't take lying to myself that he wasn't the one, i couldn't take trying to make something of something that just wouldn't work. 

shannon and i are in some sort of unspoken fight about her wedding.  that i wish we could just get out in the open, i've tried.  but it's in whats left unsaid.  and it's changed us, and our friendship.

charlie came over last nite. and i actually think i will never see him again. 

he kept saying i'm self loathing, and that he wanted to help me. that he was my friend, and he wanted to help me and my self loathing.  until this point i was unaware i was self loathing.  i made bad decisions sometimes, i often acknowledge them, and follow with apologies.  but i try my best to be the person i want to be.  but maybe i am self loathing.  my advisor often tells me i don't have any self confidence, perhaps that should have been the warning sign.

i haven't spoken with elli for months.  i miss her terribly.  it seems she only has time for those within walking distance.

i feel brutally alone right now.  maybe tomorrow will be better. 

on friday i found out that i didn't get another one of the major scholarships i applied for.  my advisor says, he loses more than he wins.  but somehow i feel right now like i'll just never get to be one of the winning ones. 

did i mention i also have to move again.  again.  my advisor is moving schools, and it looks like i'll have to transfer.  i actually changed the address on my drivers license when i moved here.  i thought i'd be here long enough for that to be worth it. 

my mom actually called my dad an asshole this week.  as bad as it's ever been, and as i much as i've always thought they would do better off separated.  the fact that it might actually happened is scary.

i feel like some where, way back when, i started down a bad path, and i don't want to be here any more.   

i want stability, and my friends and family around me. to hang out with and get a beer on a patio with with the sun comes out.  i want connection, and meaningful relationships.  i want people to know i care about them, and i want to be a good friend. 

i want to be happy.

how do i get there?

where's this taking me

joseph is on his way here, and i haven't seen him in 6 weeks.  but all i can think about is my crush on the new professor...

um.

there is something completely inherently wrong about getting a paper back in less than 2 hours in which you turned it in that, a paper in which you spent over 30 hours researching and reading for and another 15 hours writing. 

yeah, that would be me

after a long week, which has yet to end, i came home from school today looking forward to some pilates, a bath, and the most recent episode of dirty sexy money (not sure what i think yet, but i'm intrigued enough to keep watching).  i made it through all of those, all exercised, cleaned and showered, and then decided i would like a little snack.  so i made a tuna sandwich.

but in the process squirted myself with tuna juice, and then inadvertently dumped all the onion into the mix bringing the onion to tuna ration up to 3:1.  this after having  "magic get-rid-of-all-the-cold-germies tea" this morning (for those of you following at home that includes the juice of one lemon, 2 cloves of garlic, 1 tbsp of minced ginger - steeped in boiling water and sweetened with honey) and black bean tortilla pie for lunch.

guelph should be safe some time next week. 

and breath

the days have finally started to dwindle back down to normal size, sleep and recreation are sliding back into the schedule and i'm venturing beyond my apartment, the 52 bus and campus.  thank goodness.

it was a saturday nite, leigh was down and we were about to adventure out for the night.  but for some reason i had a nagging feeling that my advisor had written comments back on my first piece of work to him, and i checked my email.  at first it didn't seem so bad, there was some red track changes but mostly editorial stuff.  but i kept reading, and as my eyes moved down the page, i sunk deeper and deeper into my chair.  i read several comments over to myself and then aloud to leigh, to make them sting that much more. 

he'd torn it apart to no small degree, an editing force applied to those fully incapable of working at this level.  and then i cried.  with my saturday nite makeup streaming down my face  i realized i had no hope in hell.  i wondered how i had convinced myself i was capable of this, how had i tricked the professor into thinking i was capable of this and what grand act of wizardry would make it all go away.  twenty minutes of deep breathing and slightly more rational thinking permitted me to see the accuracy to which the work had been picked apart, as well as the necessity of the changes to be made.  but it didn't make it easier to swallow, nor did it make me feel any more capable.

7 full overhauls later i'd managed to climb out of the hole i'd dug for myself.  my mother inconveniently reminding me along the way that i had asked to be challenged, to be pushed. 

i'm still here, and some progress has been made, but i've not been reassured i'll be the academic type.  last week in seminar, after weeks of intriguing and truly thought provoking philosophy study, where i almost tricked myself into thinking i liked, maybe even enjoyed those abstract thoughts, i announced i was tired of all the roundabouts, the grand-never-answered-questions, and couldn't we just get on with it already?

not sure how's that's going to fly.

a mark on the post

today is one year.  one year ago i pleaded in my head for joseph to kiss me.  and finally he did. 

it's been a bumpy ride, and far more many times that i care to admit, i was on the brink, the words on the tip of my tongue to end it.  but for some reason they never ended up coming out.  there was always something that stopped me, said there was something good here, just work this out.  the times this happened became fewer and farther apart, until then stopped altogether, and for possibly the first time in my life i didn't run when there was trouble, i didn't call for a break up, i actually worked on it. 

i think this might be it.

non-negotiable

there's a new sunspot on my face.  it's shaped like a triangle.  slightly south and right of my lips.  it wasn't there yesterday. 

it's arrival terrifies me.

last summer my sun freckles never really left.  they stayed there for good, after that i made sure too put on sunscreen everyday.  but i think i was too late. 27 years too late.

so much cancer in my family. so much. 

when they were treating my grandfather, i couldn't even look at him when he spoke.  there was too much pain, i couldn't bare it.  the treatment centre was just around the corner, and i couldn't bare it.  such a horrible regret.

i'd like to kid myself and say, "i'm far too young for that."  but i don't know? 

back on campus

i picked up my keys this week.  keys to the room i'm sure i'll spend many an hour over the course of hopefully only the next three years.  any longer and i'm prey to become one of those who never finish.

i was asked last week if i was a student. a store where i was cashing out apparently offered discounts to those fortunate few.  it took a few minutes to respond and realize i was one of them again.  it's strange to be back in the world of academia, surrounded this week by the freshman in their bright orange frosh shirts, ancient buildings, campus greenery and beers at the grad pub.  i didn't think i'd be back for a long time.  but here i am.

this week,is a week of orientations, workshops, training, paperwork, and more orientation.  i want it all behind me so i can just jump in and get going.  picking up osap reminded me this was an expensive endeavour, and i won't be able to wallow my hours away.  even so, i feel like this is the place for me to be.  i'm eager to break out the books and start writing, to challenge my mind, that more recently has been idle or bored with enervating tasks. 

so let's drink, "here's to you ol' phd, may you be stimulating and worth the bills, and may you bring me to a better place."

quiet in between

it's uncomfortable only in reflection
the silence is common

pricked

you can be comfortable

but there are days when you're dressed like a porcupine, and i don't want to touch you
not for a second,
because if i get close i'll get pricked

and the sting lasts a long time

so i stand back,
over here
and try not to crawl towards you
i try to avoid the magnetic field.